How did I get here?

Tuesday Feb 28, 2023 started out like any other day. My mom had dialysis that day and following that she had a Dr. appointment to get her a refill on her portable oxygen tank and a new wheel chair.

I was the one who always took my mom to her appointments. She was basically deaf and would not tell anyone that she could not hear. Therefore when people would talk to her, she would randomly answer yes or no. Even if it wasn't a yes or no question. Therefore, I was always there to make sure nothing was lost in translation. It was a full time job.

So I take her to her Dr. appointment and when the Dr comes in and we got through the standard things. How she is feeling. Her weight. The usual stuff. Then we go through the medication refills we need, the oxygen and the walker. Dr. writes out and electronically sent in what we needed and then she turns to my mom and says, "Marsha. I think it is time to call in hospice. Your quality of life had dwindled and I think this is the next step."

Mom mom replied, "Okay."

Wait! What? So I ask my mom if she heard what the Dr. had said. There was no way she heard the Dr. right. No way.

I was wrong. Yes. She had.

I went to the Dr to get my mom a refill on her oxygen tank and I was leaving with a number to call hospice. Dr. gave us a rough idea of what to expect. Once mom stopped dialysis, we would have roughly 2 weeks. 2 weeks. That was not enough time. Not for me.

As I walked to the "Check out" window, the nurse floored me with her next words. "The dr. wants to see her back in 4 weeks."

"Are you serious right now?" I asked. "Really?"

She seemed confused. "The dr. told me to call in hospice so respectfully, I do not think we are going to need an appointment in 4 weeks."

I turned and walked out.

I wasn't sure how I had gotten here?

It is not like I was oblivious to what was going on with my mom. I was fully aware. I would sit next to her hospital bed for 4 weeks. She would be released and she would go home. 2 weeks later we would be back in the hospital for 4 weeks. Then 2 weeks home. It was an endless cycle. It had been this way for the last 2 years. So yes. I could see my mom's health declining. I knew that eventually we would have to call hospice in, I just wasn't prepared to do it that day.

Tuesday Feb 28, 2023 was the day my mom decided she was tired and was ready to finally rest.

This started a new chapter in my life. A chapter I was not ready to begin. I had no idea what to expect. No idea what was going to happen. I did not know how to do this. I was scared out of my mind.

This is my mom. How the hell am I suppose to do this?